Some Housekeeping Rules
by A Self-Deprecating Person
Summary: While Ichigo's ditched them to go to Hueco Mundo, Shinji has the sudden urge to write an operator's manual of how to survive living with the Vizards. What to do, what not to do, he's got it all covered. Even how to deal with Hiyori's flip-flop and Mashiro's spontaneous bursts of energy.
1. Introduction

**A/N: I feel the need to write a lighthearted fic, so here we go! ****Oh, and I want to inform you guys that Shinji's "written" this during the time of the Hueco Mundo Arc and before the Winter War, so I hope that clears up any confusion!**

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Introduction

Okay, I have no freaking idea why Shinji made me do this stupid-ass introduction, but apparently, that's what you're supposed to do at the beginning of every single book. Go on a rant about the oncoming content and material and gush about how phenomenal the author is in his use of language and all that shit. Heck, how was I supposed to know? I don't read, all right? My head ain't always buried in some sick, twisted novel of Lisa's, unlike the rest of these idiots I'm living with.

Well, that was a pretty decent segue right there, I guess: Onto the topic of living with these idiots. This manual or book (or whatever the hell Shinji intends it to be) is primarily going to teach _you_ how to survive at our place. We've got guidelines, conventions, tips, suggestions—all of that's packed into this thing, so you better listen up. Us Vizards are pretty nit-picky over our usual routine; one step out of line…and you're practically screwed. And that also goes for switching on the TV at the wrong time of the day, buddy. _No one_ gets the remote during the time between 9:00PM to 10:00PM on Wednesdays but _me_. Otherwise, you're in for some real trouble, jackass.

All in all, just pay attention, don't be a dickhead, and use common sense. Or in simpler words, don't pull of a "Kurosaki Ichigo" and fuck up our long-established living arrangements, got it? It's easy, really.

- Sarugaki Hiyori

P.S. Shinji's nice enough to once in a while provide you readers with scenarios in which a certain drop-in (anyone got a good guess of who that could possibly be?) completely ignores our rules and suffers the _consequences_ thereof, so that ought to give you all an incentive to make sure all this shit ends up embedded in your heads!

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**A/N: First installment's up, so check it out! **


	2. The Flip Flop

**A/N: The first section...Enjoy!**

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**The Flip-Flop**

Hands down, the first and foremost issue we need to address is Sarugaki Hiyori's flip-flops. As many times demonstrated by our latest guest, Kurosaki Ichigo, the misunderstandings of how Hiyori's flip-flops work have resulted in severe injuries including concussions, bone fractures, and shattered kneecaps, many of which required immediate attention from Ushoda Hachi's adept work with Kido.

**History**

The beginning of Hiyori's flip-flop/sandal trend is currently undefined, but upon observation, it can be concluded that she has an incurable fetish with open-toed footwear, as observed during our period in Soul Society where she bore the standard Shinigami uniform, which included traditional straw _waraji_. Upon arrival in the Human World, she has transitioned between wearing sandals and cheap dollar-store flip-flops, no matter the weather or condition.

To this day, Hiyori's gone through a total 456 pairs of open-toed shoes since arriving here in the Human World, which brings us down to about a pair for every three to four months.

The particular pair she's currently wearing, P456, was purchased about two months prior to Kurosaki Ichigo's arrival to our warehouse. This pair, by far, is the longest lasting footwear Hiyori has had, also taking account the fact that she has been roughly training with Ichigo before his departure. It's a wonder the straps haven't snapped clean off from her countless hours of running, jumping, kicking, and abusing others with P456.

**Regulations**

Here comes the most pivotal part of survival here at the warehouse: no one touches Hiyori's flip-flops. Period. She is absolutely punctilious when she implements the order that only she has the authority to touch her own footwear. Most of the time, this isn't a worry (minus a certain instance that will be explained later on in this segment) because her shoes are normally on her feet for the most part of the day, except for the time between 9:10PM to 9:30PM, in which she is taking a shower, between 10:00PM to 6:30AM, in which she is asleep.

During these periods of time, it is absolutely crucial not to even breath over Hiyori's flip-flops, which she will leave exactly three centimeters from outside the doors of the bathroom or her bedroom, depending on the circumstances. Please keep in mind that we've been living here for more than a century, so we've got our routines hammered smack into our minds, therefore, Hiyori's got a scrupulous sense of what _three centimeters_ are. That means budging them from their position perpendicular to the wall even a tinge—and you're pretty much screwed.

After her showers and her night's sleep, Hiyori steps out into the hallway to slip her flip-flops back onto her feet, but before she does so, she will take a fleeting glance at the positioning of her shoes. Once again, with routine buried in our minds, she will know immediately if someone has been fumbling with P456.

I suggest you endure the beating, for that'll result in less pain as opposed to trying to escape Hiyori's wrath. I'm a veteran when it comes to this, so take my word, friends.

**Avoidable Circumstances**

Aside from hampering with her flip-flops, a newcomer's downfall will be executing the heel-trip. Allow me to define that for you. Ever walked down a street behind a girl garbed in her summer clothes—tank top, shorts, sunglasses, and flip-flops? You're taking the nice sights of the city, watching the workers clean the skyscrapers in their teetering lifts, observing the pigeons and their crumby escapades, and all of a sudden, the girl slows down in front of you. Before you can react, your toe wedges itself against the heel of her flip-flop, and as a result, the girl jerks forward and tumbles facedown the ground, cursing you for the huge welt on between her toes and her blatant embarrassment.

Well, do that to Hiyori, and we'll make sure to send you some flowers once in a while to freshen up your hospital room.

Luckily, Kurosaki Ichigo had his mask on when this misfortune fell upon him, so he only suffered about eight broken ribs and a shattered tailbone, rendering him useless in a spica cast and wheelchair for about two or three days before Hachi could do the finishing touches on his treatment.

In short, the best prevention to this fate is to stay at least five meters away from Hiyori at all times. That way, it'll be impossible to heel-trip her (unless your feet are monstrous, but that's usually not the case), and you're good to go.

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**A/N: How'd you like it? I'm open to suggestions, so feel free to pitch in! Oh, and please leave some feedback in the comment section below. That'll really help. Thanks!**


	3. Mealtime With Kensei

**A/N: Yay! New update! I know several of you have requested doing a segment on Lisa's magazines, and I assure you, that'll come soon!**

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**Mealtime With Kensei**

In the Vizard household, we have two primary chefs: Sarugaki Hiyori and Muguruma Kensei. Although I've got to admit that analyzing how Hiyori works in the kitchen should be on the top of our priority list (in order to prevent life-threatening injuries quicker and easier), we're going to dissect Kensei's cooking conventions first because a) he can be just as ruthless as Hiyori lest you say the wrong things, and b) let's cut the crap and assume that he can bench-press six hundred, and if that doesn't convince you, take my word that the roof of our warehouse collapsed once after he punched out a wall (_very_ long story).

"**No Bullshit"**

See that brawny, buff redneck over there? Muscle shirt, cargo pants, combat boots, and face splattered with piercings? You can bet your buttons that's him, Muguruma Kensei. Taking in that appearance, doesn't it surprise you that such a raw, brazen man who spends hours sweating at the gym takes a great interest in something as idle as the culinary arts? Seems a bit delicate for him, eh? Well never say that to his face, bucko, because that's considered "bullshit."

You see, Kensei's life motto is, "No bullshit." No bullshit when it comes to talking, no bullshit when it comes to fighting, and especially no bullshit when it comes to cooking up a dish of chicken teriyaki. That means that Kensei's going to go full-out on that grill, sprinkling the spices and herbs like a maniac, and absolutely obliterate the stove, stir-frying those carrots and vegetables like he doesn't give a crap. His cooking: it's like a ventilation opportunity for him.

However, when it comes the time when a single mistake befalls him—a single mistake that will ultimately demolish his dish, turning it into just plain, disgusting _bullshit_—that's when his motto comes in. He'll toss the shit into the trash and start all over again, thus torturing our ravenous appetites for another forty-five minutes. Kensei's painstakingly perfectionist when it comes to his food.

**Scheduling**

The way we determine who commandeers the kitchen is fairly simple. There are two shifts a day, lunch and supper (at breakfast, we all take care of ourselves individually, whether it's making a quick batch of oatmeal or stopping by the coffee shop), and Kensei takes one shift, Hiyori takes the other. They switch after every day, so on Mondays, Hiyori handles lunch, and Kensei tackles dinner. Tuesday, they switch, Kensei taking care of lunch, and Hiyori frying up dinner. Wednesday, they switch once again, and so on.

This system carries through until Sunday, where there's no designated chef for either shifts. We all tend to go out as a group for Sunday brunch, but once the skies turn pink and it's dinnertime—that's where our place becomes no-man's land. It's plain to see that both Kensei and Hiyori are fond of the culinary arts, so both will be edging to take control of the kitchen. When this happens, it's a good idea to go out and run some errands after brunch, and while in the city, stall as long as possible, picking up some grub from a deli or even stop by a little restaurant for a hasty supper. Expect the commotion to flare between 5:00PM to 7:30PM, so plan accordingly to that little window of time. Sadly, poor Ichigo didn't have the sense to catch on, and after several blows from large projectiles like frying pans and cutting boards one day, he was rushed to the hospital, due to the fact that Hachi was at the café, skimming peacefully through the paper.

Why we haven't resolved the issue of Sunday yet? Why Kensei and Hiyori squabble despite that fact that no one will be present to taste their culinary escapades because they're too anxious to avoid the impending disasters? That's one of the quirks of our place, just like that teeny freckle on the side of your face.

**Table Manners**

We don't really give too much of a damn about table manners here; I mean, we practically throw "manners" right out the window with Mashiro chewing with her mouth open for all the world to see, and Hiyori scrambling across the table or ground (depending on whether or not we're dining in the underground training room) to snatch up a bowl of sauce instead of kindly asking Love to pass it forward. However, it's vital to give thanks to Kensei for his hard work in preparing a meal. That doesn't necessarily mean we have to say it to his face. Heck, that happens only once a decade or so.

What I mean by being thankful reverts back to the concept we covered before: "no bullshit." Keep it to yourself, and enjoy what you've got. Even _Hiyori_ swallows her words as she munches on Kensei's specialty teriyaki chicken. I'd suggest making one or two concise comments about the positive aspects of the dish (e.g. "Why, this is very savory tonight!"), finish up every single speck of food on your plate, and set it on the sink for whoever's in charge of the dishes (more on that later). That's playing it safe.

Don't believe me? I'm sure you've noticed that Kensei has pretty much no tolerance for Mashiro. When she whines about the food he's prepared, which happens all the time, it takes _a lot_ of strength to yank him away from ripping off her vibrant head. One time, Hachi had to fire a Bakudo at him, pinning him smack against a dusty desert rock.

In short, no complaining about the chicken being too salty, if you know what's better for you.

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**A/N: Well, how'd you all like it? Feel free to leave some feedback in that little box below. The good, the bad, the whatever...anything to let me know how I'm doing is always welcomed! Oh, and I'm open to suggestions too!**


	4. Making Mountains Out of Molehills

**A/N: Hey guys! New installment's out! Much thanks to Aurelia Artemee for her insightful comb-over of this!**

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**Making A Mountains Out of Molehills**

We've all played Telephone before. It's a simple game that only requires an ear, a mouth, and a line of people. A random sentence like "Steve broke his neck" is whispered to the person first in line, and we wait in anticipation as that sentenced is quietly passed from person to person. Along the course of its journey, the message is subject to enormous switcheroos, which depend on how incorrectly the sentence is interpreted. Alas, there's fun of the game: hearing the discrepancy between the original sentence and what comes out from the end of the line. How does going from "Steve broke his neck" to "Sleazy cobras hiss back" sound to you?

There's always that one dick who just insists on messing with the sentence, intentionally screwing up the entire game for his own amusement. And that dick—at our place—presides in Otoribashi Rojuro. Whenever he beckons you over with some breaking news, do _not_ take his word for it. I assure you that _I_ am not one to dramatize things to his extent. You can read this guidebook to the end, nod your head in satisfaction, and know that every last one of my words are true to the core. But with Rose, it's a different story.

**Incorporation of the Dramatic Arts Into the Quotidian Routine**

Ever since discovering Shakespeare, Rose has been fixated upon "bringing the beauty out of the most mundane things." A notable case is Hiyori's breakfast. At face value, it's just a blue-and-white striped ceramic bowl filled three-quarters of the way with skim milk, corn flakes, and fresh strawberries. Just a normal balanced breakfast to start off the day. But look through Rose's eyes, and you'd be flabbergasted at what you see.

"Look at it," Rose will most likely say, lifting Hiyori's breakfast up to inspect. "It's a covert metaphor of the future of our society. The correlation of the vastly contrasting ingredients—the milk of iridescent pearls, the flakes of sun-kissed legacies, the berries of salubrity and freshness—it all signifies something _substantial_. This means that society as a whole must unite in order to achieve the peaceful complexion of this harmonious ensemble."

And that's the gist of it. Taking something as insignificant as a bowl of cereal and transforming it into something ridiculously melodramatic. Just the spitting of image of Will Shakespeare himself. Although I'm sure that the old fart didn't have to deal with flip-flop assaults from a ravenous Hiyori or bonks to the head from a chagrined Love.

**Bending the Truth**

Of course, over-interpreting the simplest things in life seems to be as harmless as a fluffy sheep in the pasture. What's the worst that can happen? Wait until we see what impact Rose has on the grapevine. Remember the game of Telephone? We're about to apply into real life.

Let's say I overhear a rumor that Lisa's been snooping around Kensei's room at late hours (hypothetically speaking, of course). Who knows what she's doing in there? With Lisa, it's impossible to predict what her true motives are. It can be anything from pursuing a simple venture to thirsting for a dirty escapade. Chances are, I share this piece of intriguing information with someone. And it just happens to be Rose. I tell him what I've heard. He lets it all sink in, nodding here and there and asking a brief question or two. And that's it. However, as Rose strolls away I can _see_ the pistons pumping in his mind. His imagination works it like a neurotic Charles Dickens, interpreting metaphors and figurative language in a fervor. At last, the light bulb shines atop his head with a "ding!" and it's official. I've made Lisa and Kensei's lives hell.

Naturally, Rose tiptoes off to Love and Mashiro with the story. He doesn't tell them, "Oh, rumor has it that Lisa's sneaking into Kensei's room," in the frank, concise manner of how I conveyed the message. Instead, he takes it upon himself to whip out the sugar and spices. Thus, Rose expounds his fabricated details of an angst-filled evening. He uses words like, "Slick with heat and passion, two lovers sate one another's desperations with nothing but pure pleasure." What's more, he actually makes it sound believable in that bland, calm tone of his.

In reality, Lisa's just slipping into Kensei's territory to recapture possession of the magazines he steals from the morning mail. Like I said before, you never know when it comes to Lisa. But the damage is done. By the next two or three hours, the modified version of the story's been dispersed throughout the warehouse. Everyone's bombarding Lisa and Kensei with allegations like a pack of hyenas on two jackrabbits. The two are in utter denial. At some point Kensei blows his top, and the next accusation thrown at him will receive a dislocated shoulder in return.

**Taking Preventative Measures**

All right, I'll admit that the last example is not exactly a hypothetical demonstration. It really happened—but we won't delve any deeper into that hilarious experience in order to spare our friends some embarrassment. Long story short: the hullabaloo died down as quickly as it began, and Rose was stripped down to his underwear and slung to an elementary school flagpole. (That was when we realized how great of a photographer Lisa was.)

But Rose doesn't learn from his mistakes as quickly as the rest of us do (Hell, he still manages to heel-trip Hiyori). So whenever you've got an update on someone's relationship status, think twice before sharing it with our Telephone troll Rose. Thank goodness he's not prowling Facebook and Twitter. Now _that_ will be a nightmare.

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**A/N: How'd you like it? Please leave a review! Hey everyone! IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS BELOW, so please read!**

**First thing: I've made a Tumblr for my FF account, so please follow me at .com for updates, sneak peeks, and more!**

**Next thing: I need your opinions on something, so it would be absolutely AMAZING if you all dropped by my profile and answered that poll I put up! Thanks a ton!**


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